Invisible

Hm...it's late..I'm not tired...stupid insomnia!

But I just keep thinking about how I'm so unwanted. I saw people at the Christmas Walk on Tuesday that I knew..and I would smile or say hey to them and they just simply ignored me and walked on away. And I'm just thinking..wow..am I really as invisible as I feel I am??

A few Sunday's ago I was at youth and Pink was talking about a drawing for an Ipod touch that is going to go out to someone on the opening party of the new youth room. And you get an entry for every brand new person you bring to youth, and that person has to be in 7th to 12th grade. I asked, seeing how I'm already graduated, if I could bring one of my friends that was also graduated and have an exception made for me. And he said no cause they're already making an exception for me cause I'm like a 13th grader.. I've been going to youth since 5th grade and that was the first time I really felt not welcome there. It just hit my heart and really made me want to cry. And I feel like I'm not even included in anything the youth does anymore. I hardly ever hear about things happening until a week or two after it. I used to know what was going on with the youth 2 weeks before it was happening!

And my parents keep acting like I'm such a burden living here. They keep downgrading me and harping on me for stupid stuff! But when I try to grow up and actually act like an 18 year old they don't want to let me!! Most 18 year olds simply say where they're going, when (if) they'll be home and go! No, I have to get permission to go like a week ahead of time! A little stupid if you ask me! Especially because I'm a good kid. I will be honest..I got drunk a few times..Every time I did, my brother was there and didn't drink and watched over me! And I will be honest again, I am not a virgin. I had a big lapse of judgment..starting questioning God..and just went out and did a lot of rebelling. There was no one I could talk to..because people dislike me so much and don't wanna put up with me. No one even realizes I'm here anymore. That doesn't make me a bad kid though...at least I don't think so..

Life just sucks. I'm the annoying, in the way person that everyone just wants to block out and forget about. Put up with me when they have to..say what I wanna hear..and get me on my way and away from them. I seriously can't believe anything anyone says anymore. Cause they're either saying it to be a brown noser to me or they're saying it to get me out of their hair. Nothing anyone says to me is true anymore. ugh! :(

Seriously, is life worth living anymore? I mean, what kind of life do I live anyway? No one on earth truly loves me or wants me around. So why am I still here!!??